Learning to ask for help is a challenge for many of us. Our ancestors may have been stoic, or they may have been martyrs. They may have HAD TO BE STOIC to survive. We inherit that trait and we act like we’re in survival, but we’re really not.
Like many people, I was taught never to complain when I was growing up. Complaining was for weaklings. Complaining meant you were not a team player. Complaining showed a lack of fortitude and moral character. Life was hard. Buck up and get over it.
Along with these messages were others. Don’t look inside. Don’t slow down. There is work to be done. Do! Do! Do! There is no time to “be.” Busy people are more important and more valuable than dreamers. “Another day, another dollar.”
Asking for help meant being “less than.” Over time, I learned to deny my needs. I became so successful at denying my needs that I made big life choices based on this kind of thinking. Life choices that continued to reinforce my NEED to deny my needs. Mostly this was unconscious on my part.
It has taken me many years to warm up to the idea of asking for help. I started slowly. As recommended by Mark Silver, a Sufi teacher and business coach I studied with, I asked for help in easy, low-stakes, fun ways. I asked someone for directions when I didn’t need them. I asked a salesperson to help me find an item, when I knew where it was.
Because the stakes were low for me, I had fun asking. I could ask in a lighthearted way. I was unattached to the outcome. If they had not been willing to help me, I would not have interpreted that to mean that I was being rejected because I was flawed in some way.
Now I am learning to ask for what I need in bigger ways. I take it slow. I’m gentle with myself, through times of hesitation and resistance. But I move forward. By the time I ask for something big, I am prepared. I am ready to let go of the response I get. I have the courage to ask, and I give the person I’m asking the space to decide whether or not they want to help.
There is less pressure on the people I ask, because they can sense that if they say no, I’ll find a way to get what I need without them. My needs don’t hinge on any one person or situation. It’s OK to have needs, because they don’t define me. Lack and fear of lack do not dominate my decisions.
Learning to ask for what I need is a work in progress. I still have to prepare myself for asking. I plan how to ask. I get support from neutral people for crafting my request, people I can talk to about what happens after I ask. I’m not alone with the response, whether it’s positive or negative.
What do you go through when you need help? Can you identify what you need? Do you give yourself permission to ask for what you need?
I like thinking of asking for items in a store where their location is already known. Sounds like good practice! These baby steps will help when asking big things (that might risk being thought stupid at your job). Sounds like a great discussion. It’s also good to become aware of ones needs and trust they are a part of us. I will contemplate this and thanks.
Let me know how it goes when you ask for help. I feel lighthearted when asking for help is a low-stakes game I’m playing. When we ask for help, we are actually giving other people the opportunity to be helpful. Most people enjoy being helpful, as long as they have a choice about whether or not to help.
When we feel desperate for help, we come across with a sense of urgency that can be intimidating to another person. But when we are unattached to the results of our asking, we ask in a spacious way. People have the option of helping or not helping.
When I am helping, I feel much more generous when I know I’m choosing to help. How about you?